Jokes

Some jokes to lighten up the day =)


Bar

A neutron walks into a bar and says "How much for a drink?". Then the bartender replies "For you, no charge."



Nuts

A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, ‘You look great!’
He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, ‘No really, you look terrific.’
The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, ‘Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!’
He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.
‘Hey,’ the guy calls to the bartender, ‘What's with the nuts?’
‘Oh,’ the bartender answers, ‘They're complimentary.’


Lost Golf Ball

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!"


Don't Step On A Duck

Three women die and go to heaven. However, as they enter they are told they can do anything they want but not to step on a duck.
The women think this should be easy to do until they get in and see that there are ducks everywhere.
Within the first day one woman steps on a duck.
One of the ugliest men ever is brought to her and handcuffed to her for eternity.
On the third day, the second woman steps on a duck and is handcuffed to an ugly guy for eternity.
The third woman goes a year without ever stepping on a duck and the most handsome man is brought to her and handcuffed to her for eternity.
She asks "What did I do to deserve this great surprise?"
The man says "I don't know about you, but i just stepped on a duck."


Taxi driver

A Japanese man was in a hurry to go to the KL airport, so he took a Proton taxi.
The taxi driver took his own sweet time driving within the speed limit but the jap was getting impatient.

The following is their conversation on the way to the airport.

A Toyota Camry overtook the taxi. ZOOM!
Jap: Look, look. Toyota! very fast! made in Japan! Proton not good. Made in Malaysia.
Driver: yah.

After a few minutes a Nissan overtook the taxi. ZOOM!

Jap: Look, look. Nissan! very good! very fast! made in Japan! Proton not good. Made in Malaysia.
Driver: yah, yah.

After a few minutes a Honda overtook the taxi. ZOOM!

Jap: Look, look. Honda! very GOOD! very fast! made in Japan! Proton not good. Made in Malaysia.
Driver: yah, yah, yah!

Arriving at the airport, the Jap is about to pay the taxi driver.

Jap: How much?
Driver: RM150/-
Jap: Oh. very expensive. you overcharge!
Driver: No. look, look. Sony meter! very good! very fast! Made in Japan!